If everything's a dream,

This has been stuck in my head for three straight days now, after my subconscious cruelly attacked me with it in my sleep so it's only fair that I share it with you guys...?



( rambles about feelings )

I haven't actually listened to this song again. It's already being mangled by the faulty cassette player in my head after three days of playing, I didn't want to add my shitty hearing to the mix. But I get new hearing aids on Monday! Maybe next week I'll give it a listen.

Turning a decade is a pretty bizarre time. I don't remember even acknowledging anything special about going into 2010, but at least the millenium felt extravagantly hopeful.

It's hard to feel that way about the future now. Depression and anxiety ate the entirety of my twenties (and possibly also some of my teens, though I didn't know it at the time) and I always viewed turning thirty as some kind of fantasy -- that I'd go three-zero and I'd somehow be free of everything -- until six months before my birthday I became suddenly terrified of it because I could no longer maintain this desperate delusion. There was no way I could have imagined or believed that I'd still be living at thirty, despite not being able to take any steps otherwise. I easily spent 99% percent of the past decade in the company of no one but my immediate family, and some days in the company of my extended family too.

In 2029 I'm going to be forty, and I can't really wrap my head around that either. Am I actually going to have to be around for another ten years? twenty years? thirty? Are things going to get any better for me? Is that something I'm supposed to be able to believe? Mental illness has been devouring my entire identity in steadily growing bites. My attempts to get help have only hurt me more, and my desire to be noticed hurting has only left me feeling more alone and invisible.

I've been trying really hard these last weeks to be hopeful about what's coming, that maybe something is coming, but tonight, of all nights, I just can't manage it.

Can someone explain to me how dating works? Or maybe how to believe someone might want to date you? Or that you might have something to offer another person?

Society would tell us that we can't love someone until we love ourselves… but how are you supposed to see yourself as lovable, as worthy of someone's time and attention, without being validated by someone's time and attention? You can't offer yourself to someone if you have no sense of self, but how can you know yourself without someone willing to stand around long enough being a mirror until you realise you even have a self?

If you have to have one first, but you can't have one without the other, then what do you have?

So, I finished God of War today, and I thought I could talk about that, but I'm having a tough time thinking of what to say about it because I've been on an emotional rollercoaster this week.

( I had my first therapy appointment last Thursday )

TL;DR: I am alive, and more or less okay. I'm going to try and work on posting more often.

( thoughts about being 30, about milestones and not meeting them -- proceed with caution -- post contains depression and suicidality talk )

So earlier this week enemyofperfect somehow ended up talking about what stats we would have as DND characters, as if we weren't nonsense enough about that already, and things naturally snowballed from there, and after a bunch of tweaking...

Half Elf - Lawful Neutral - Paladin [Oath of Redemption] - Level 3
Strength [13]
- Athletics
Dexterity [12]
- Acrobatics
- Sleight of Hand
- Stealth
Constitution [10]
Intelligence [14]
- Arcana
- History
- Investigation
- Nature
- Religion
Wisdom [18]
- Animal Handling
- Insight
- Medicine
- Perception
- Survival
Charisma [12]
- Deception
- Intimidation
- Performance
- Persuasion

Soliloquy: advantage on any checks that use written communication that you have an hour to work on
Teamwork: advantage on all rolls involving shared effort.
Kindred: when taking a short or long rest in happy, friendly company, you receive a 1d8 inspiration die to use until your next rest.
Outsider: for every hour spent without absorbing occupation, take 1d4 psychic damage, for each loving couple or deep friendship witnessed, take 1d8 psychic damage.
Dysphoria: when encountering any kind of perceived rejection, on a failed DC18 wisdom save, take 2d10 psychic damage and self isolate until the next long rest, or short rest if taken in good company.
Empathy: when a non-hostile character that you can perceive takes damage that renders them unconscious, take half that damage as psychic damage.
Hamartia: while defending another, can take an extra 10 damage (up to -10hp) before falling unconscious, at the cost of an autofailed death save.

You can see their stat's over here.