what do you mean i'm a person
Friday, March 15th, 2019 07:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amovingtargetI'm...not very good about talking personal stuff. Mostly it's because I don't feel like I have anything worth talking about and my self-esteem is such gutter trash that even when I do I don't believe it's worth reading about, and also because I'm just sad so much of the time. Writing (and reading) about being sad is so exhausting? But... in honour of my new-found rediscovered talking about my thoughts skills, I... would like to give it a shot at least?
There's more depression/negative self-talk under these cuts probably...
I didn't really intend to talk about this but I was browsing socials randomly this morning and it looks like the the trailer of Avengers: Endgame dropped yesterday? I don't want to watch it. The trailer, that is, not the movie. I do want to watch the movie. I don't want to watch the trailer. I don't want to see any more about it on tumblr than I already have but I don't know how to protect myself because people can't tag consistently to save their life? It's going to be all, this is wrong, and that is wrong, and my favourite character isn't in there enough, and this character is in there too much, and it will all snowball into bullshit mudslinging and I'm so tired of the internet. I still remember how much wank I had to swim through about Civil War, and The Last Jedi, both movies that were good over all, and that I enjoyed a lot, but I can't think about without getting a bad taste in my mouth because people have to leave their terrible, biased opinions all over the place, and everything is just so snide and gleeful and cliquish, all so [nudge nudge] we're so cool and critical and woke because we don't like stuff. It's not like some of these people don't have valid points, it's just that the general attitude makes me kind of sick. I very much miss the era of don't like, don't read (or watch, or do, or interact with this stuff in any way) and I'm just bitter about it.
So... personal stuff I'm working on. I'm trying to make a mood tracker based on the DND alignment chart, because I struggle with identifying and talking about my feelings. It's still a work in progress and I may post it up here when it's finished just in case anyone else here might find it useful. I tried just placing some feeling words on a regular alignment chart but really, how am I supposed to classify what kind of alignment being sad falls into. So, I overlaid a graph over the chart, with the x-axis showing intensity (how chaotic an emotion is) and the y-axis showing positivity (whether an emotion is 'good' or 'evil') which helps a lot, but I think it still needs a little more restructuring. Neutral being in the middle doesn't make so much sense for emotions because law and chaos are opposites, but a low intensity of sadness (or anger or happiness) isn't the opposite of a high intensity of sadness, so probably I could rearrange it so that, left to right, the alignments are neutral, lawful, chaotic. Then I guess I need to decide which words go where...
enemyofperfect and I have been playing DND for a little over a year now? I downloaded The Lost Mine of Phandelver module because Critical Role gave me so many feelings I just wanted to see what it would be like to play myself. It was only supposed to be a tiny thing, only the two of us playing it -- we didn't even make our own characters, just rolled for a random pregen one -- and now we're almost at 50 sessions? What the hell? I can't remember what put the idea of drafting our session chatlogs up into something like a story -- maybe trying to find a NaNo project that I might actually be able to do? -- but that's what I've been doing since late last year. We played session 47 on Monday, and I finished drafting it today, and including that it's 196,439 words of adventures? What the hell??? I have half a mind to post it here or on AO3, because it's fun, and it's a lot of writing for only two people to read but... it also feels a little risky. Rolling up a character I intended to throw away and ended up sticking with for months meant that I ended up fleshing her out with aspects of my own personality and what if people don't like her? What if people don't like a story that's pretty much catered to me? And I'm no stranger to writing explicit stuff -- I love it -- but there's a lot and it feels a little personal, so does that mean I should cut it back? I've...no real reason to believe that anything that's in this whole thing is something that people (in general, that is, I'm sure there's at least one person out there) wouldn't like. I guess I'm just protective of it. It'll be a while before anything ever turns up anyway, since I want to edit it for cohesiveness and things.
In even more personal stuff, here's something I don't think I've ever mentioned on the internet before? I do bookkeeping for my brothers' business, not even full time, and that's the only employment I've ever had in my life and even then I only got it by chance. That's a whole... big thing, that's maybe too big for me to talk about just yet. My point is, that's my job, and the government are changing how they do taxes and shit and now we have to use commercial software to keep the books. Some of them have what they call 'bridging software' I believe, which means you can just plug in your spreadsheets and it will send your tax calculations to HMRC (that's the IRS, for the Americans reading this) but my brothers (my eldest brother and my brother-in-law) are like 'if we can get software that does everything we need then we might as well get it' and I'm like 'cool, it's not like I didn't say that a couple of years ago when they rolled out the mandatory pension enrollment thing' so I'm trying to do that -- with only a vague sense of what they need because godforbid anyone tell me things even when I ask -- by the end of the month. On top of that, I'm just a constant knot of anxiety because my brothers are pretty slack about record keeping, maybe not intentionally, they're just always behind on stuff, but getting them to do what I need them to do is like pulling teeth, and now records are going digital I'm worried I'm going to be the one getting in trouble when things don't add up the way they're supposed to.
It's my brother's (not either of the ones I mentioned in the cut above, this is the younger of my two older brothers) birthday this month and I've had this fanart idea in my head for months and I thought I will give it to him for his birthday, and that will motivate me to do some drawing. I am always trying to 'get back into' art, whatever that means, because for years I have been quietly yearning to draw things and to sell fanart and just. I love doing it, but it's so damn difficult that I keep talking myself out of it, and it's easy to talk myself out of it because there's six thousand other things I'm anxious about getting done. Not to mention the fact that I'm bad at both putting myself out there and dealing with attention, no matter how much I crave it. Then there's the fact that I spend most of my time struggling against my brain telling me that everything is pointless and nothing means anything and why bother doing anything at all anyway. I started working on it before the end of February and I've only managed to get myself to touch it maybe three times so far? I've got until the 25th to finish it and... I probably will. I'm angry at myself at how good I might be by now if I hadn't given up three times a year for the past...five or seven years, and I'm angry at myself for making things more difficult by doing the anxiety backflip for nearly a month and leaving it to the last minute and just heaping extra unneccesary stress onto myself. Goddamn.
There's more depression/negative self-talk under these cuts probably...
I didn't really intend to talk about this but I was browsing socials randomly this morning and it looks like the the trailer of Avengers: Endgame dropped yesterday? I don't want to watch it. The trailer, that is, not the movie. I do want to watch the movie. I don't want to watch the trailer. I don't want to see any more about it on tumblr than I already have but I don't know how to protect myself because people can't tag consistently to save their life? It's going to be all, this is wrong, and that is wrong, and my favourite character isn't in there enough, and this character is in there too much, and it will all snowball into bullshit mudslinging and I'm so tired of the internet. I still remember how much wank I had to swim through about Civil War, and The Last Jedi, both movies that were good over all, and that I enjoyed a lot, but I can't think about without getting a bad taste in my mouth because people have to leave their terrible, biased opinions all over the place, and everything is just so snide and gleeful and cliquish, all so [nudge nudge] we're so cool and critical and woke because we don't like stuff. It's not like some of these people don't have valid points, it's just that the general attitude makes me kind of sick. I very much miss the era of don't like, don't read (or watch, or do, or interact with this stuff in any way) and I'm just bitter about it.
So... personal stuff I'm working on. I'm trying to make a mood tracker based on the DND alignment chart, because I struggle with identifying and talking about my feelings. It's still a work in progress and I may post it up here when it's finished just in case anyone else here might find it useful. I tried just placing some feeling words on a regular alignment chart but really, how am I supposed to classify what kind of alignment being sad falls into. So, I overlaid a graph over the chart, with the x-axis showing intensity (how chaotic an emotion is) and the y-axis showing positivity (whether an emotion is 'good' or 'evil') which helps a lot, but I think it still needs a little more restructuring. Neutral being in the middle doesn't make so much sense for emotions because law and chaos are opposites, but a low intensity of sadness (or anger or happiness) isn't the opposite of a high intensity of sadness, so probably I could rearrange it so that, left to right, the alignments are neutral, lawful, chaotic. Then I guess I need to decide which words go where...
enemyofperfect and I have been playing DND for a little over a year now? I downloaded The Lost Mine of Phandelver module because Critical Role gave me so many feelings I just wanted to see what it would be like to play myself. It was only supposed to be a tiny thing, only the two of us playing it -- we didn't even make our own characters, just rolled for a random pregen one -- and now we're almost at 50 sessions? What the hell? I can't remember what put the idea of drafting our session chatlogs up into something like a story -- maybe trying to find a NaNo project that I might actually be able to do? -- but that's what I've been doing since late last year. We played session 47 on Monday, and I finished drafting it today, and including that it's 196,439 words of adventures? What the hell??? I have half a mind to post it here or on AO3, because it's fun, and it's a lot of writing for only two people to read but... it also feels a little risky. Rolling up a character I intended to throw away and ended up sticking with for months meant that I ended up fleshing her out with aspects of my own personality and what if people don't like her? What if people don't like a story that's pretty much catered to me? And I'm no stranger to writing explicit stuff -- I love it -- but there's a lot and it feels a little personal, so does that mean I should cut it back? I've...no real reason to believe that anything that's in this whole thing is something that people (in general, that is, I'm sure there's at least one person out there) wouldn't like. I guess I'm just protective of it. It'll be a while before anything ever turns up anyway, since I want to edit it for cohesiveness and things. In even more personal stuff, here's something I don't think I've ever mentioned on the internet before? I do bookkeeping for my brothers' business, not even full time, and that's the only employment I've ever had in my life and even then I only got it by chance. That's a whole... big thing, that's maybe too big for me to talk about just yet. My point is, that's my job, and the government are changing how they do taxes and shit and now we have to use commercial software to keep the books. Some of them have what they call 'bridging software' I believe, which means you can just plug in your spreadsheets and it will send your tax calculations to HMRC (that's the IRS, for the Americans reading this) but my brothers (my eldest brother and my brother-in-law) are like 'if we can get software that does everything we need then we might as well get it' and I'm like 'cool, it's not like I didn't say that a couple of years ago when they rolled out the mandatory pension enrollment thing' so I'm trying to do that -- with only a vague sense of what they need because godforbid anyone tell me things even when I ask -- by the end of the month. On top of that, I'm just a constant knot of anxiety because my brothers are pretty slack about record keeping, maybe not intentionally, they're just always behind on stuff, but getting them to do what I need them to do is like pulling teeth, and now records are going digital I'm worried I'm going to be the one getting in trouble when things don't add up the way they're supposed to.
It's my brother's (not either of the ones I mentioned in the cut above, this is the younger of my two older brothers) birthday this month and I've had this fanart idea in my head for months and I thought I will give it to him for his birthday, and that will motivate me to do some drawing. I am always trying to 'get back into' art, whatever that means, because for years I have been quietly yearning to draw things and to sell fanart and just. I love doing it, but it's so damn difficult that I keep talking myself out of it, and it's easy to talk myself out of it because there's six thousand other things I'm anxious about getting done. Not to mention the fact that I'm bad at both putting myself out there and dealing with attention, no matter how much I crave it. Then there's the fact that I spend most of my time struggling against my brain telling me that everything is pointless and nothing means anything and why bother doing anything at all anyway. I started working on it before the end of February and I've only managed to get myself to touch it maybe three times so far? I've got until the 25th to finish it and... I probably will. I'm angry at myself at how good I might be by now if I hadn't given up three times a year for the past...five or seven years, and I'm angry at myself for making things more difficult by doing the anxiety backflip for nearly a month and leaving it to the last minute and just heaping extra unneccesary stress onto myself. Goddamn.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-16 03:38 am (UTC)I never know how much I can yell about your family before it's too much and I'm just giving you a new problem to deal with, but ugh, they can be so unreasonable about piling work on you and not even giving you what you need to do it properly. Sympathyyy.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-16 05:20 am (UTC)Maybe someone would like all the sex?
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-16 05:30 am (UTC)I just want you to be comfortable, fiendling.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-17 02:56 pm (UTC)That all said, I haven't watched the Endgame trailer, mainly because I've found myself enjoying movies so much more without watching the trailers for them.
Also big hugs for everything else going on. The job stuff sounds stressful :(
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-17 06:56 pm (UTC)Seriously how hard is it to say Okay, I'll be sure to tag all future posts! What the fuck???