and i only have one needle
Wednesday, April 8th, 2020 08:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amovingtargetFull disclosure: it took me two days to write the last post, so by the time I had posted it late last night, I had already finished the game?
I probably mentioned before that lately I've learned to try to take notes while I watch or play things these days because... even if I manage to bring myself to talk about things I tend to find that by the end I don't remember much that I can put into words that make sense. My brain is kind of like… a box of different coloured yarns, thrown in without being balled up properly. And then I feel things too strongly -- I suspect this is at least partially some kind of trauma thing, and partially just that I'm a 'sensitive' person -- which shakes the box around a lot, throw it into a hurricane, maybe. So I end up with a box of hopefully tangled stuff, knots everywhere, and what did I even want to do with this anyway…
It's hard for me to sort things out, is what I'm trying to say, and when I'm so affected by stories, and want to talk about them so desperately, sorting them out becomes more important and more difficult. It becomes more like trying to knit while being hurled around a hurricane myself. Final Fantasy 7 is definitely one of those stories. I can't seem to think about Cloud Strife without remembering some thoughts about my own personhood, or lack of it. I seem to find new ways to relate to it every time I play it. So I definitely want to say the right things about it, I definitely want to represent my feelings about it as accurately as possible.
My initial plan had been that I would write up some thoughts about a couple of chapters at a time, but given what I said about my brain, and the fact that there was a lot of play hours to get through and sometimes my notes tended to be more flailing than meta, this seemed to be a tough undertaking to begin with. And then there was the ending, which was…. a lot, not something I knew how to make notes about, and I'm still trying to process it all. Part of me wishes that I was just replaying the original game exactly as it was, and an equal part of me is intrigued (as much as I am confused) about where they're going with it.
So I was struggling on multiple levels already, and I thought I'd have a peek at youtube to see if there was a movie cut of the game out somewhere that I can use to review things, see if there were things I missed, or things I forgot to write down while I was having feelings about something else, trying to defeat monsters, or keeling over laughing about the banter. It was a long shot, given that it's not "officially" released yet, but I did find a clip of the very end… and, maybe foolishly, I dipped into the comments.
I don't really know what I was expecting. I guess I wanted to see my feelings reflected in someone else, as I often do. Did someone make the same guesses I had about those monsters we fought at the end? How many people think some of those cutscenes at the end were real? If not, why might they be there, and if they were, then what does it mean for the story going forward? Did anyone have fun theories? Was anyone excited to know more? What I saw was unfavourable, disdainful comparisons to Advent Children -- which was flawed, sure, but I've always adored it, and have recently been craving a rewatch -- and Kingdom Hearts 3 -- which I am given to understand was… a mess of too big ambitions, a story that started well and ended up making no sense. It's not like I thought the game was perfect, I did have a few grumbles about it myself, but I just… thought that there would be people excited to find out what happens next.
This is a problem I keep running into. Hearing that people don't like something I love. It hurts me in ways that I can't explain, and not just in my feelings. There's this thing that happens in my head when find opinions that run counter to my own -- and it's not even just when someone flat out says I'm wrong for liking a thing, but when someone just says that they didn't like it. It's like my box of tangled yarn isn't pretty colours shot through with silver, it doesn't have the occasional pretty bead or bauble… it's suddenly a box of actual worthless trash. And I know people are allowed to have different opinions, and I know that it's even more likely that people are going to have different opinions than same ones. And I know it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with my opinion either. It's not like I've never had negative opinions about things ever, sometimes I have lots.
Something still goes wrong in my head. It's like when you hear someone coming and you have a box of something you're not supposed to have, so you quick kick it under the bed and pretend it isn't there, everything's fine, nothing to see here. But then you go back to get the box out and it's just… gone. Sometimes my feelings about things are overridden so much that they literally just disappear, and I can't remember them, and other times they just become… meaningless. I'm not really sure which of these are worse.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, except that maybe I wish the internet isn't the way is, or that people aren't the way they are. I wish there were fewer people trying to point out who's to blame for the thing not turning out the way they wanted. I wish there were more people seeing things both ways, or at least trying to. I wish there could be less throwaway reviews, and more thoughtful meta. I wish it was less scary to love things, or even just like them. I wish there were more love letters to all the good things, and more people who'd come to read them. I wish it was less scary and difficult for me to write them.
I probably mentioned before that lately I've learned to try to take notes while I watch or play things these days because... even if I manage to bring myself to talk about things I tend to find that by the end I don't remember much that I can put into words that make sense. My brain is kind of like… a box of different coloured yarns, thrown in without being balled up properly. And then I feel things too strongly -- I suspect this is at least partially some kind of trauma thing, and partially just that I'm a 'sensitive' person -- which shakes the box around a lot, throw it into a hurricane, maybe. So I end up with a box of hopefully tangled stuff, knots everywhere, and what did I even want to do with this anyway…
It's hard for me to sort things out, is what I'm trying to say, and when I'm so affected by stories, and want to talk about them so desperately, sorting them out becomes more important and more difficult. It becomes more like trying to knit while being hurled around a hurricane myself. Final Fantasy 7 is definitely one of those stories. I can't seem to think about Cloud Strife without remembering some thoughts about my own personhood, or lack of it. I seem to find new ways to relate to it every time I play it. So I definitely want to say the right things about it, I definitely want to represent my feelings about it as accurately as possible.
My initial plan had been that I would write up some thoughts about a couple of chapters at a time, but given what I said about my brain, and the fact that there was a lot of play hours to get through and sometimes my notes tended to be more flailing than meta, this seemed to be a tough undertaking to begin with. And then there was the ending, which was…. a lot, not something I knew how to make notes about, and I'm still trying to process it all. Part of me wishes that I was just replaying the original game exactly as it was, and an equal part of me is intrigued (as much as I am confused) about where they're going with it.
So I was struggling on multiple levels already, and I thought I'd have a peek at youtube to see if there was a movie cut of the game out somewhere that I can use to review things, see if there were things I missed, or things I forgot to write down while I was having feelings about something else, trying to defeat monsters, or keeling over laughing about the banter. It was a long shot, given that it's not "officially" released yet, but I did find a clip of the very end… and, maybe foolishly, I dipped into the comments.
I don't really know what I was expecting. I guess I wanted to see my feelings reflected in someone else, as I often do. Did someone make the same guesses I had about those monsters we fought at the end? How many people think some of those cutscenes at the end were real? If not, why might they be there, and if they were, then what does it mean for the story going forward? Did anyone have fun theories? Was anyone excited to know more? What I saw was unfavourable, disdainful comparisons to Advent Children -- which was flawed, sure, but I've always adored it, and have recently been craving a rewatch -- and Kingdom Hearts 3 -- which I am given to understand was… a mess of too big ambitions, a story that started well and ended up making no sense. It's not like I thought the game was perfect, I did have a few grumbles about it myself, but I just… thought that there would be people excited to find out what happens next.
This is a problem I keep running into. Hearing that people don't like something I love. It hurts me in ways that I can't explain, and not just in my feelings. There's this thing that happens in my head when find opinions that run counter to my own -- and it's not even just when someone flat out says I'm wrong for liking a thing, but when someone just says that they didn't like it. It's like my box of tangled yarn isn't pretty colours shot through with silver, it doesn't have the occasional pretty bead or bauble… it's suddenly a box of actual worthless trash. And I know people are allowed to have different opinions, and I know that it's even more likely that people are going to have different opinions than same ones. And I know it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with my opinion either. It's not like I've never had negative opinions about things ever, sometimes I have lots.
Something still goes wrong in my head. It's like when you hear someone coming and you have a box of something you're not supposed to have, so you quick kick it under the bed and pretend it isn't there, everything's fine, nothing to see here. But then you go back to get the box out and it's just… gone. Sometimes my feelings about things are overridden so much that they literally just disappear, and I can't remember them, and other times they just become… meaningless. I'm not really sure which of these are worse.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, except that maybe I wish the internet isn't the way is, or that people aren't the way they are. I wish there were fewer people trying to point out who's to blame for the thing not turning out the way they wanted. I wish there were more people seeing things both ways, or at least trying to. I wish there could be less throwaway reviews, and more thoughtful meta. I wish it was less scary to love things, or even just like them. I wish there were more love letters to all the good things, and more people who'd come to read them. I wish it was less scary and difficult for me to write them.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-10 03:49 am (UTC)I remember this feeling, and it's awful. It's so disorienting and frightening, to just... misplace pieces of yourself when they aren't convenient. I'm sorry, Salma.
This is still a really eloquent and moving post, and I'm really proud of you for writing it. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-10 04:43 pm (UTC)That's exactly the feel :(
This is still a really eloquent and moving post, and I'm really proud of you for writing it. ♥
[grumble grumble] How dare you say this...
♥