week 16

Hello from my new bedroom. It's still a work in progress, but it's nice. I like my desk and my blue wall, and I like being next to the window and being able to see the trees moving in the wind, and the birds flying, and occasionally getting a peek at the neighbour's cat. And I can put flowers on my windowsill and see them, without having to give up desk space. In two weeks or so I will have nice new blinds up too, which is good because the first two days I was in this room we had a solid wall of cloud and then yesterday I learned just how vicious the sun can be on the spot my desk is for a couple of late afternoon hours, yikes. For now I've doubled up some netting that helps with the worst of it. Having a bit more space to move around and not feeling smushed in by clutter might be helping my mood a little bit, although I still get pretty sad sometimes for no real reason, or sometimes for real reasons that I feel like no one really cares about, and in fairness I don't really know how to talk about them, and no one can do anything about them either, so that's fun. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I forgot to mention last week that I had been wanting to catch up with Critical Role for a long time but was never doing it, and even though I thought their quarantine hiatus was the perfect time… I just never managed, and I think I've finally realised what the problem is. You know that bit in the movie where the protagonist has feelings for someone and oh hey, are you waving at me, and then it turns out no, they were waving to the person behind you, the one who is richer, more skilled, prettier, more socially adept, cooler and more of a person than you in every way… and then you're just standing there for a minute with your hand up and the smile fading from your face thinking of course, why would anyone be looking at me, let alone them… So… it's not that I specifically resent CR in becoming as successful as they now are, but it turns out that, in doing so, they unwittingly triggered all six hundred miles of abandonment issues I have.

I'm still vaguely grumpy about quarantine and all of that, but mostly about having to listen to Conservatives praise the NHS like they haven't been cutting the budget for a decade.

I've caught up on a bunch of complicated work things that I was struggling to do while I was exhausted painting, and I feel better about that now. Other than that I've still been turning over how the hell to talk about FF7 feelings… I'm hoping that I can at least post a list of random observations and things I love, because I'm still struggling to collect my thoughts about all the deeper things. It would be nice if I managed to start writing again -- besides the fact that there are a million things I want to write, the game has also made me want to play around with some new ideas as well as brush the dust off some old ones -- but I'm not sure I have the bandwidth. But at least I seem to be keeping up with these posts?